Dear Readers,
I know it's been an extremely long time since I've posted something on here as well as on my page on MySpace , but this is long overdue and something that I just can't sit here and wait any longer.
Friends, family, and other people, I have a few confessions to make. And what I'm about to say might shock or anger a lot of people, but I just can't hold it in anymore. First off, I've been dealing with this issue for awhile, and while I have come to terms with it and been at peace with myself somewhat, I was still in conflict about other parts of the situation...and I will not let it continue to manifest and eat at me until I'm sick over it. So for those who may know, or for those of you who may not know, or those who have even say that's what the word on the street is, I'm making it official and you are hearing it straight from the horse's mouth itself: I'm bisexual. Yes. You heard right. I am bi, I'm a fence jumper, a switch hitter, play offense and defense, whatever phrase you want to you use, use it damn it. I have been for awhile, and at one point I used to be ashamed of it but I could care less anymore. Now while it's may be concern to you about what I do and who I do it with, the fact of the matter is that it's my business and nobody else's unless I want you to know, point blank, end of story. I always have been the same Bobby Nathaniel Anderson and will always continue to be so. With that said, I appreciate all of you that have supported me and continue to do so. For those of you that have a problem with it, you may not like it, or you may not like me anymore because of it, all I ask is that you show me the same decency and respect that I have always shown you. Other than that, you could basically put that shit in your pipe and smoke it. But I digress.......
My main thing about this confessional is that I'm in a relationship with a really great guy, and that I love him and I'm in love with him. However, like a dumbass nigga I really fucked up big time and I really hurted him. I broke his trust. I cheated on him and I lied to him about it. But instead of just confessing it, I had to go around pretend like everything was gravy and letting my conscience get at me, and leaving clues only to come out with it once he found out and was crying and pissed off at me because I fucked up a damn good thing and now he thinks he is a fool for loving me.
But in all actualities, I'm the fool here. I'm the stupid motherfucker who had a great thing going with this God-sent angel from above who loved me beyond all my faults, my past, my recent scare (which is another episode), was in love with me and wanted to be with me for me despite the type of education I have, what kind of job I may or may not have, how much money I have, or any of that shit. He basically put me on a pedestal like the "king I am" as he would say, and all I had to do was not fuck up. Not be like all the others that hurted him before. Not another dog. Not another fucking squirrel trying to look for the next nut. But I'm no better than they were. As a matter of fact, I'm worse than them.
I know how many times I apologize I can never take back the wrongful things I've done to him, or the hurt or pain I've caused him. I know it would take a miracle, a hope, a dream, a wing and a prayer just to earn his forgiveness as well as his trust. And I understand that it's nobody's fault but mine and mine alone if he doesn't want to forgive me, if he doesn't want to make it work. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone," Joni said. And Joni Mitchell never lied. I realize that it may be too late. I did a damn good job of showing him how much I loved him. Now he thinks I've played him for a fool. But I didn't it. I've played myself for the fool because I had something that was more special than gold. Something that was so pure, something that was so sweet. I had something that was more precious than silver; more precious than diamond rings or anything that I can give him. (Thanks DeBarge) I had someone that I could call my baby. Someone to share my hopes and dreams aspirations and goals with. Someone to share my ups and downs with. I told him just about everything that I went through in life because there was just that much confidence in him. And what did I turn around and do? Risked everything I have to damn near throwing it all away, if I haven't already done that. I know he probably can't stand the sight of me and wants me gone out of his life. And I'm ready to accept that if he so chooses; I have no other choice but to lay in the bed I've made and step in the shit I created. Maybe if God can hear me He will help me to be able to work this out with him and I'm willing to do whatever's necessary to do right by him.
So I say this to you in parting: whether you are male or female, or they be male of female, or whatever floats your damn boat, heed this warning from me, and be serious and don't do what I did: If you have a good person in your life, and you really love them, whatever you do, don't throw them away. Treat them as if your very life depended on it, for without them, you are nothing. And don't hurt them. Because the only one that you're going to end up really hurting is yourself. Take it from me I know.
And Mr. Vincent Anthony Shelton, the one that I call my baby, if you're reading this, please hear me out: I was wrong for what I did. I was wrong for hurting you. And I know that sorry is not enough and that it won't take back the things I've done to cause the pain and hurt that you have right now. I know you don't see it right now, but I do love you. With all my heart. I know you're probably thinking if I loved you how can I hurt you like this, and you're right. I was stupid. Straight up. I was a motherfucking stupid ass sonofabitch who messed up a really good thing for me, because I let my fears, and my scares, and my insecurities get the best of me and acted out upon them in a most desconstructive way. And I know that right now you can't see my emotions cause I'm always guarding them and don't want to be vulnerable and so headstrong about that, but I'm working on that. I'm still a work in progress. And I understand that if you don't want to forgive me, you don't want to be with me, if you don't want nothing to do with me, I'd have to accept that and try to go on being without you. And I've been a fool, cause by hurting you I've deeply hurted myself in the long run. I know that forgiveness is far from your mind right now, and I also know that it will take a long time for me to regain your respect for me and your trust in me, all of that of which I am not worthy of nor deserving of. But if you can look past it, and you do find just a small space in a dark corner in the deepest regions of your heart, small enough just for a speck of dust to crawl through....if you are able to find that much room enough to forgive me, I will be eternally grateful and forever more in your debt than I am in right now. If you are willing to try to make this work, once again I'm not deserving of, but if you want to, I will do all that is necessary to make it work....And I know you probably don't want to hear this from me, but no matter what you may think, you are someone that deserves to love, and to be loved, you are worthy of that; I tried to show you that but I did a really lousy job at it; and I know most importantly, it may not mean much now, but I do love you, I still love you, I am in love with you, I will always love you. I want to make this work. I really do, and I need you baby. Tell me what you need me to do and I will do it. I am so truly, deeply, terribly sorry for hurting you, for making you cry, for losing your trust, for doing everything that I've never wanted to do to you. I am in your hands. I am in your debt. Please forgive me. I don't know what else to say. but that. Please forgive me.
I will accept all comments, be it positive, or be it negative. Thanks for hearing me out, everybody, and baby, if you're reading this, thank you for listening to what I have to say.
7 years ago
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