Time to Come Clean (written Thursday 4 December 2008)

Dear Readers,

I know it's been an extremely long time since I've posted something on here as well as on my page on MySpace , but this is long overdue and something that I just can't sit here and wait any longer.

Friends, family, and other people, I have a few confessions to make. And what I'm about to say might shock or anger a lot of people, but I just can't hold it in anymore. First off, I've been dealing with this issue for awhile, and while I have come to terms with it and been at peace with myself somewhat, I was still in conflict about other parts of the situation...and I will not let it continue to manifest and eat at me until I'm sick over it. So for those who may know, or for those of you who may not know, or those who have even say that's what the word on the street is, I'm making it official and you are hearing it straight from the horse's mouth itself: I'm bisexual. Yes. You heard right. I am bi, I'm a fence jumper, a switch hitter, play offense and defense, whatever phrase you want to you use, use it damn it. I have been for awhile, and at one point I used to be ashamed of it but I could care less anymore. Now while it's may be concern to you about what I do and who I do it with, the fact of the matter is that it's my business and nobody else's unless I want you to know, point blank, end of story. I always have been the same Bobby Nathaniel Anderson and will always continue to be so. With that said, I appreciate all of you that have supported me and continue to do so. For those of you that have a problem with it, you may not like it, or you may not like me anymore because of it, all I ask is that you show me the same decency and respect that I have always shown you. Other than that, you could basically put that shit in your pipe and smoke it. But I digress.......

My main thing about this confessional is that I'm in a relationship with a really great guy, and that I love him and I'm in love with him. However, like a dumbass nigga I really fucked up big time and I really hurted him. I broke his trust. I cheated on him and I lied to him about it. But instead of just confessing it, I had to go around pretend like everything was gravy and letting my conscience get at me, and leaving clues only to come out with it once he found out and was crying and pissed off at me because I fucked up a damn good thing and now he thinks he is a fool for loving me.

But in all actualities, I'm the fool here. I'm the stupid motherfucker who had a great thing going with this God-sent angel from above who loved me beyond all my faults, my past, my recent scare (which is another episode), was in love with me and wanted to be with me for me despite the type of education I have, what kind of job I may or may not have, how much money I have, or any of that shit. He basically put me on a pedestal like the "king I am" as he would say, and all I had to do was not fuck up. Not be like all the others that hurted him before. Not another dog. Not another fucking squirrel trying to look for the next nut. But I'm no better than they were. As a matter of fact, I'm worse than them.

I know how many times I apologize I can never take back the wrongful things I've done to him, or the hurt or pain I've caused him. I know it would take a miracle, a hope, a dream, a wing and a prayer just to earn his forgiveness as well as his trust. And I understand that it's nobody's fault but mine and mine alone if he doesn't want to forgive me, if he doesn't want to make it work. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone," Joni said. And Joni Mitchell never lied. I realize that it may be too late. I did a damn good job of showing him how much I loved him. Now he thinks I've played him for a fool. But I didn't it. I've played myself for the fool because I had something that was more special than gold. Something that was so pure, something that was so sweet. I had something that was more precious than silver; more precious than diamond rings or anything that I can give him. (Thanks DeBarge) I had someone that I could call my baby. Someone to share my hopes and dreams aspirations and goals with. Someone to share my ups and downs with. I told him just about everything that I went through in life because there was just that much confidence in him. And what did I turn around and do? Risked everything I have to damn near throwing it all away, if I haven't already done that. I know he probably can't stand the sight of me and wants me gone out of his life. And I'm ready to accept that if he so chooses; I have no other choice but to lay in the bed I've made and step in the shit I created. Maybe if God can hear me He will help me to be able to work this out with him and I'm willing to do whatever's necessary to do right by him.

So I say this to you in parting: whether you are male or female, or they be male of female, or whatever floats your damn boat, heed this warning from me, and be serious and don't do what I did: If you have a good person in your life, and you really love them, whatever you do, don't throw them away. Treat them as if your very life depended on it, for without them, you are nothing. And don't hurt them. Because the only one that you're going to end up really hurting is yourself. Take it from me I know.

And Mr. Vincent Anthony Shelton, the one that I call my baby, if you're reading this, please hear me out: I was wrong for what I did. I was wrong for hurting you. And I know that sorry is not enough and that it won't take back the things I've done to cause the pain and hurt that you have right now. I know you don't see it right now, but I do love you. With all my heart. I know you're probably thinking if I loved you how can I hurt you like this, and you're right. I was stupid. Straight up. I was a motherfucking stupid ass sonofabitch who messed up a really good thing for me, because I let my fears, and my scares, and my insecurities get the best of me and acted out upon them in a most desconstructive way. And I know that right now you can't see my emotions cause I'm always guarding them and don't want to be vulnerable and so headstrong about that, but I'm working on that. I'm still a work in progress. And I understand that if you don't want to forgive me, you don't want to be with me, if you don't want nothing to do with me, I'd have to accept that and try to go on being without you. And I've been a fool, cause by hurting you I've deeply hurted myself in the long run. I know that forgiveness is far from your mind right now, and I also know that it will take a long time for me to regain your respect for me and your trust in me, all of that of which I am not worthy of nor deserving of. But if you can look past it, and you do find just a small space in a dark corner in the deepest regions of your heart, small enough just for a speck of dust to crawl through....if you are able to find that much room enough to forgive me, I will be eternally grateful and forever more in your debt than I am in right now. If you are willing to try to make this work, once again I'm not deserving of, but if you want to, I will do all that is necessary to make it work....And I know you probably don't want to hear this from me, but no matter what you may think, you are someone that deserves to love, and to be loved, you are worthy of that; I tried to show you that but I did a really lousy job at it; and I know most importantly, it may not mean much now, but I do love you, I still love you, I am in love with you, I will always love you. I want to make this work. I really do, and I need you baby. Tell me what you need me to do and I will do it. I am so truly, deeply, terribly sorry for hurting you, for making you cry, for losing your trust, for doing everything that I've never wanted to do to you. I am in your hands. I am in your debt. Please forgive me. I don't know what else to say. but that. Please forgive me.

I will accept all comments, be it positive, or be it negative. Thanks for hearing me out, everybody, and baby, if you're reading this, thank you for listening to what I have to say.

Weekly Update....well, it's supposed to be weekly anyways (written Monday 15 September 2008)

Hey guys,

Not much to type but yet so much to type since I've been really busy. I just had a lot of things going on and a lot of things on my mind which is why my pen haven't done much writing. But to end on a positive note I should know within the next few weeks whether I will be working with the US Census Bureau among other things, and I'll be getting back to the swing of things soon.

Ciao

There, but for the Grace of God, Goes I ( originally written Tuesday 5 August 2008; finished Friday 8 August 2008)

Fellow bloggers,

As stated in the previous blog, I've been going through a lot of things recently and the stress of it is taking its toll on me...such as losing what little sleep that I already don't get, and now muscle spasms in my back and shoulder...but through all of this, and with the help of my family and friends, I know I'll come out stronger for this. And there's only one reason why in all the negative shit there's a lot of positivity around me: God has my back. I repeat: God has been on my side. And I'm truly thankful for that. Now I'm not trying to get too religious or even give you a sermon when Lord knows I ain't a preacher, but the following is what has inspired me to write this edition of The Shadow's Pen. First, a reading of the Word, which will be taken from the book of Romans, the 5th chapter, verses 7-17, in both the King James and New International Versions:

7For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ die for us. 9Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. 10For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 11And not only so, but also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we now received the atonement. 12Wherefore, as by one man, sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so but sin is not imputed when there is no law. 13(For until the law sin was in the world: but sin is not imputed when there is no law. 14Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come. 15But not as the offence so also is the free gift. For if through the offence of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many. 16And not as it was by one that sinned, so is the gift: for the judgment was by one to condemnation, but the free gift is of many offences unto justification. 17For if by one man's offence death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.)

7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since we have now been justified by His blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10For if, while we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved thorough His life! 11Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. 12Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned- 13(To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone's account where there is no law. 14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come. 15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

May the Lord bless the reading of His word. And now, turn to your neighbor and say: Neighbor- There, but for the grace of God- goes you"

As I look back at all the things in the twenty-seven and a half years I was allowed to spend on Earth so far, there's been a vast amount of dates, times, people, places, events and experiences that I've encountered, which at times were either optimistic or pessimistic. But somehow, through it all, my life has molded me into the person that I am today. So without saying, here's my blog/poem/sermon:

I was born into a warm and caring home and family that loves me for who I am. Unfortunately, there are others who don't have families that love them, or for that matter, some that are abused or even killed by their own parents. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

I'm blessed that my parents are still together after 33 years of marriage, which nowadays isn't all to common in American society. There are others around me whose parents are not together for whatever reason there may be. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

I may be the average guy, but among my friends, there's nothing but loyalty...I always have their backs and they all have mine. A lot of people out there can't say the same because the one they call a "friend" will "smile in their face, but all the time they want to take their place..." A backstabber is in no way, shape, or form a friend. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

I have served my country with honor, distinction, and dignity; a country who sometimes turn its back on its military personnel and veterans. I have seen the face of war and survived with few battle scars. Sadly, a lot of my brothers and sisters in arms were not so fortunate as I am, and the list of names is too long to mention. It hurts as another soldier, veteran, a family member, and friend to see so many people receive that dreaded knock on the door or the folded flag at yet another burial site. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

Recently I've been robbed at gunpoint and made it out alive, with only a few personal effects taken. There are thousands of robbery victims who have had their lives taken from them. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

There are times where I may get filled with hopelessness and despair; with frustration and aggravation; with pain and sorrow. But I know that these feelings are temporary for in order to enjoy the sunshine you have to go through the storms. Still, there are those who feel they are in a constant storm and the only way to end that gloom is to terminate everything within that life itself. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

Recently, a person close to me dropped one of the worst bombs one can to another person...they revealed they were HIV positive and basically lied about their health status the whole time we were together. I got tested, and miraculously, my results were negative, but for one negative there are so many more that have been confirmed positives.....There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

I also finally came to terms as to who I am and what makes me tick. Understanding who I am has made me able to love myself more and accept myself for all that I am, be it my best qualities; stuff I need to improve on; my worst flaws, my aspirations, hopes, dreams, and goals; my deepest thoughts and innermost fears; and most importantly, accepting my self of my sexuality and sexual orientation. I always have been and always will be attracted to and love women, but I also know that I have an attraction for other men, and a desire to be with another man as well. To those of you who disagree with me being bisexual/gay/same-gender loving/whatever, I'm sorry that you do disagree and you have your beliefs but I gotta live my life the only way I know and that's to live it to my utmost potential and live my life to the fullest and make each day count. Just as I have respect for myself and what I do, just as I have respect for you and the choices you may take, all I ask is for the same respect for me as a person and don't knock me for the decisions I make regarding my life no matter how you may be in conflict with it. I have come to peace with myself, make sure you come to peace with yourself before you can make peace with others. Just like there are others in the same boat that I am in, there are many more who are in self-disgust with the very same issue that is within them. And sad thing is, many take their own life or are treated like an outcast or worse are murdered. I'm eternally grateful for the support system that I do have, because there, but for the grace of God, goes I.

I have movement of all my extremities. I can see, and hear. I'm able to communicate via verbal and nonverbal expressions. I can talk, sing, walk, shout, praise, and bless the Lord with all my heart and soul, be able to love myself as well as love others. I can do anything and everything that is in my God-given ability to do so. As Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." We all know that there are those that are not able to do so be it physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. There, but for the grace of God, goes I.

In conclusion, I look back and no matter how bad I may think I have it, I know I have nothing to feel bad about because God has bless me with so many things that I don't have room enough to receive all of my blessings. And even in my darkest days I must praise Him anyway because as the saying goes, "when the praises goes up, the blessings come down." Plus, there's always someone else who has it worse than me.....take it from me readers, from someone with a little bit of experience, try to be a better person and help someone that may be down on their luck...because just remember this one important thing:

"THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GOES I!"

THE DOORS OF THE CHURCH ARE OPEN.......................

Weekly Update (written Monday 4 August 2008)

Hey fellow readers and bloggers

The last two weeks have been indescribable for me to say the least, and not all of it is in a good way. But through the almighty grace and power of the Lord, I've made it through this storm and taking things one step at a time as usual so I continue to be blessed to feel the sunshine and may also be a blessing to others. I truly thank all of my friends and family (if you're out there and reading this, you know who you are) that had my back throughout my struggles, and I'll always appreciate the fact that they're in my life and they're here to stay. Besides, they don't have a choice....if I give you the title of friend, as the saying goes: "Once you've fuck with me you're stuck with me!" LOL There will be more postings soon to come, just bear with me as I get my thoughts together so I can write what I need to write down....thanks

written from the shadow's pen by the blogger

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (written Thursday 24 July 2008):

I’m just going to keep this short, simple, sweet, and to the damn point. Recent studies show that even though there’s a lot more awareness about HIV/AIDS, more people IS having unprotected sex now more than ever. The City of New York has started mandatory tests for every resident, beginning in The Bronx, which has the highest HIV cases in all the five boroughs. Nowadays you can’t look at a person and tell whether they are infected with the virus or not. The sad part is there’s many carrying the virus and don’t even know it. You may hear it on the radio; see it in television, internet, and magazine ad; or from the mouths of celebrities, but I am asking you-no, pleading with you myself: WHETHER YOU ARE STRAIGHT, LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDERED, OR WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR DAMN BOAT, KNOW YOUR STATUS. GET TESTED AND GET TESTED REGULARLY (EVERY 3-6 MONTHS). MAKE SURE YOU LET YOUR PARTNER(S) KNOW YOUR STATUS AND YOU KNOW THEIRS AS WELL. IF POSSIBLE GET TESTED TOGETHER. AS THE SAYING GOES, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY AND IN THIS DAY IN AGE YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE. DON’T LET A SLIP UP TURN INTO A SCARE OR EVEN WORSE BE THE THING THAT TAKES YOUR LIFE. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT THERE READING THIS THAT MAY BE HIV POSITIVE, AND CONTEMPLATING ON TELLING THEIR PARTNER(S): DON’T CHICKEN OUT. MAN OR WOMAN THE HELL UP AND TELL THEM. IF THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU, THEY WILL STILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU LET THEM KNOW. DON’T LIE ABOUT YOUR STATUS, BECAUSE IF YOU SPREAD IT, YOU’RE JUST AS WRONG AND A MURDERER AS SOMEONE PULLING A TRIGGER ON OR STABBING THEIR VICTIM… I KNOW, BECAUSE A FORMER PARTNER LIED TO ME, AND I TRUSTED THEM. BUT I GOT TESTED, AND BY THE ALMIGHTY POWER AND GRACE OF GOD I’M NEGATIVE, AND I’M NOT TAKING ANYMORE CHANCES. SO PLEASE LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE, AND DON’T MAKE IT YOURSELF. KNOW YOUR STATUS. GET TESTED. AND LET OTHERS KNOW YOUR STATUS AND LET THEIRS BE KNOWN. THANKS

-THE BLOGGER (HIV NEGATIVE SINCE 7/23/08, AND HAVE BEEN PRIOR TO THAT)

FOOD AND THE CITY~THE RESTAURANT CRITIC SPOTLIGHT (written Thursday 24 July 2008)

This week’s selection: Chung Moo Ro-10 W 32nd St. (bet. 5th & 6th Aves.)-New York, NY 10001-(212) 594-4963 FAX (212) 594-4964-Serving authentic Korean barbecue and cuisine.

Named for a street and district in the South Korean capital of Seoul, Chung Moo Ro is located in the heart of Midtown’s Koreatown district (the particular stretch of 32nd Street is known as Korea Way). This restaurant is close to Madison Square Garden, Herald Square, and public transportation and is convenient because it is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

One visit and the customer is taken away to the Land of the Morning Calm (Korea’s nickname), or as in the case of this former soldier, taken back to pleasant memories of his time spent there traveling around the country and its rich culture. From the moment you walk in the door until the moment you leave, it is as if you’re not even in New York anymore.

Upon being greeted by the courteous staff, my guest and I were immediately seated to our table with tall ice cold glasses of refreshing water. They were also extremely helping in explaining the menu, which were written in both English and Hangul (Korean). It didn’t take long for us to make up our minds of what we going to order (the menu has many extravagant dishes to choose from, but for customers new to the idea of eating Korean food, I recommend that you stick to the barbecue).

Within minutes of ordering, the staff brought out our drink (a bottle of baek seju, a type of rice wine with a low alcoholic content and sweet taste but packs a powerful punch to the inexperienced), shot glasses, and various side dishes from the delicate daikon, a sweet radish and bean sprouts to Cole slaw with a wasabi vinaigrette and kimchi, the national dish of Korea which is very spicy pickled cabbage, but there are many forms of kimchi within itself. As with most traditional Asian dishes one eats with a soup spoon and chopsticks, but forks are readily available upon request.

Finally the moment of truth came, when after we were served our soup and rice, the stove was lit (traditional Korean barbecue is cooked right at the table-from the grill top to the table within a reach of the chopsticks!) and you can soon smell the delightful aroma of the bulgogi (thinly sliced pieces of marinated steak), kalbi (short rib tips), and chicken mixed with mushrooms, garlic, and onions thrown on the grill for good measure. The staff was impressed how easily my guest and I were accustomed to eating the food, to which I divulged my secret of being stationed in Korean and even spoke to her in her native tongue. We even ate in the Korean tradition by wrapping up the meat and side dishes in the lettuce leaves provided, downing a shot of the baek seju, and gobbling down the wrap by attempting to eat it up in one bite. We ate and ate to our hearts content, and speaking on the other patrons in the restaurant, we definitely were left feeling satisfied with good memories of our Korean experience.

After the bill was paid with a generous tip, we were offered a min-dessert of yogurt smoothie shots, which helped cooled the tongue for the more spicy treats, and were well-wished for our safe travels and speedy return back for more.

On a scale of one to five chefs’ hats, the first entry for food and the city gets our first ever five chefs’ hats. Congratulations to Chung Moo Ro…if you ever want to sample the best of what Korea has to offer, come on down and say Annyeong haseyo (hello) to Chung Moo Ro!

1,2,3,A,C,E TRAINS TO 34TH ST-PENN STA; B,D,F,V,N,Q,R,W TRAINS TO 34TH ST-HERALD SQ; 6 TRAIN TO 33RD ST; PATH TRAINS TO 33RD ST, AMTRAK, NJ TRANSIT, AND LIRR TRAINS TO PENN STA, ALSO AVAILABLE BY MTA BUS

ABOUT THE BLOGGER (written Thursday 24 July 2008)

Bobby Nathaniel Anderson (there I gave you the full name) is a son, a brother, a nephew, a cousin, an uncle, a lover and a fighter, a friend, a soldier, a combat veteran, a scholar, a teacher, a godfather, some other things, but most importantly, a child of God. A Christmas baby born during the winter solstice of the eighth decade of the twentieth century (that would be December 22, 1980 for those who can’t do the math), he falls under the signs of Capricorn, the tenth sign of the Zodiac, and the Asian zodiac sign of the monkey, the animal sign for the year 1980. Bobby can be described as a fun loving character yet serious at times, loyal, trustworthy, a bit sarcastic (ok, ok a real smartass is more like it), ambitious, smart, funny, independent yet reliable, and more, he is a complex man-one very tough nut to crack. He is also sometimes secretive when it comes to his innermost feelings and emotions, ever the quintessential enigma. Although this book is difficult to open, once it is open the reader is able to gain vast knowledge and thus is able to understand the personality and why the former sergeant is the way he is. Not a graduate of a college or university (but currently a student), he does not hold degrees of any particular major subject. However, he has matriculated in the halls of the higher education of the world and has his doctorate from the University of Life’s School of Hard Knocks. A voyager, Bobby has traveled to many places within the globe and experienced many things in order to obtain that knowledge which has been useful in his coming of age. He is also a goal-oriented man with values and above all things family is fist and foremost in his life except for the Lord. Sometime it may appear that he is not religious, but that is far from the case. Bobby is religious but more importantly very spiritual who tries to do what is right. He is also talented, but you wouldn’t know that due to his easy, calm demeanor who can tend to be extremely shy at times. This pretty much sums up the man, the myth, and the legend that is Bobby Nathaniel Anderson, former Sergeant, United States Army. I hope this explains it well. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will try to answer them all in the order that they were received to the best of my ability. Peace out and God bless.

The Blogger

A MESSAGE TO ALL READERS (written Thursday 24 July 2008):

Welcome to my blog and thanks for dropping by. This blog will be posted on a semi-regular basis, as I’m not always in front of a computer that often at the moment. As for the content of this blog, the tone will be set depending on the day and the mood that I am in. but everything I write will be whatever is on my mind, in my heart, or both. So once again thanks for coming by, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.